Monday, November 16, 2009

finding yourself

It's such a lame title, but it's what life is all about. Yo.

Before I write any more, my roommate found out only moments ago that a friend of hers from high school passed away this week. 20 years old. Tell me that doesn't scare you, and I'll call you a liar.

What I've been wanting to say is that I feel like I've been going through so many things lately; nothing monumental from an outsider's perspective, but situations that are testing my strength, drive, emotional stability, love, faith, and any hopes for the future.

With an outstanding charitable donation from my mother, I am officially free of a credit card bill (which, by the way, was never late. It was only a ($766) issue for a month). The money I'm making now from babysitting, which isn't much, goes towards my food and, whatever change is left, into some form of savings. This is obviously a huge weight off my back. I owe my mother everything. My whole life. You guys may or may not have seen the past few years of my life be adventurous and wonderful. Well, I owe it all to her. I hope one day I can pay her back.

Even with this massive relief, things have been off. I've missed a few classes. Not enough to feel any repercussions, but enough that I cannot afford to miss any more. I've been sleeping a lot more, with just general fatigue setting in often. My friendships are dwindling, because I can't be bothered to make phone calls or go out to spend time with people. Worst of all, I've been pushing away the one person (aside from family), who has loved me and known every. single. thing. about. me. And he still loves me. Imagine that!

Cade is the reason I am who I am today. I no longer drink often/unable to stop drinking once I start, and I haven't indulged in many other disorders. There is NO OTHER reason other than Cade. I wanted a change, but it wasn't going to happen until he came into my life, almost exactly one year ago. I have no idea where I would be today had I not met him. I cannot stress that enough.

My problem: What it comes down to, is that I think way too far into the future. I can't see my future, therefore I find it hard to keep going here, in the present, to go to this nothingness in my mind. No one knows their future, but for some reason, not knowing where I'm going to be in 6 months makes me want to give up on everything entirely. This, my friends, is utterly insane.

Although, this doesn't stop me from thinking that a certain someone would be happier in a certain city. Even if it has virtually nothing to do with me. But I digress.

I apologize for the long update, and I don't expect you to have made it this far. I need to blog to get everything out. This can't be said in 140 characters or less, and it's time I stop with the emo twitter. No one enjoys it.

I truly wish the best for all of you. I hope you're living every day to the fullest. Hey. See your friend over there? Hug them. Oh, they're on the internet? Give them the good ol' fashioned *hug.*


Kayley said...

Fuck, I miss you. You make me so happy and I don't care what you say, you are not a bad person or friend or anything else <3

Jeff Edelman said...

I hope that you won't beat yourself up too much. You clearly over-analyze things. Focus on being a real good person and focus on making good decisions - like staying away from excessive drinking and other self-destructive behavior, and you'll find that things will fit into place rather well most of the time.

Anonymous said...

Sam, I may be a random stranger/fan on the Internet but I know how it is. I was not happy w/ who I am back in college and prior to turning 25 this July, my life was all topsy turvey. However, I realized it was because I was not happy w/ myself. I was trying to pretend to be someone I was not. Sometimes we forget who we are and lose our own self confidence. but in due time, we can be comfortable w/ who we are (or find ourselves...depends on how you want to use it) and live life again. love life again. most importantly, be alive again.

Kristina said...

Thinking ahead 6 months scares the shit out of me. I graduate in 6 months. Then what? No idea.

It doesn't help when the person who could help you through this stuff is not nearby. I know you warned me, but I can't help it. You understand that as well as I do.


I miss you.

Elisabeth said...

Like phampants I'm only some random off the internet, and I don't pretend to understand what you must be going through (although advice given above seems pretty solid to me). But you seem to be in need of some love so *hug*

hayleyghoover said...

It wasn't a long post, for one, and of COURSE I read all the way through. Because I get a kick out of you.

<3 Remember that you can call me when you feel like shit, and we can work our strange relational magic on each other.

Cade said...

This actually made me cry a little. Just saying. I'm usually the first comment! Bummed I'm not but these are some solid comments so I'll let it slide this time..
But seriously, this was fantastic to read, I'm so glad you wrote it and said exactly what's going on in your brain. It's definitely one of my favorites. You mean so much to me :)
I really do love you. Just FYI. heheee I'm so glad I'm in your life and I plan to be for a very long time. aka 100 more years <3

KaraDawlish said...

I feel stupid commenting on this among all of your friends...

Be Happy Sam :D
I don't know your life but I think you're a pretty damn cool person. Hence; The reading of the Blog... obviously.